Glimpses of a Marriage Part 2 (Finding Home)
You know when you fall in love and you're like "YEAH! I LOVE THIS PERSON!" And your life has absolutely no crap in it. You're just over the moon, blindly, happy?
Yeah, that feeling lies. Don't attach yourself to that feeling. That feeling will mess you up and leave you wanting more of something that was born to dissipate. That feeling of love is meant to be a foundation; a feeling to seek out, to pull you through the hard times, but you never really get it back.
That feeling is amateur. That feeling is flimsy and fragile. That feeling is pure obsession over a connection. A crazy connection that makes you fall hard, but you don't actually know anything about that person. You just feel. And the feels can take you through a year or two, but once the feels fade, you're left with an actual human being that you have to learn about, navigate around, know when to support, when to back off, and when to choose love. If you're a choose love kind of a person, you should continue reading...
The feels carried me a long ways down the road. Heck, I made it through a few kids! Then I hit the real life part and was like, "Shoot. There's some real work to do here." See, when you're feeling the feels you push a lot of problems aside, hold things back, and don't really show the down to the bones version of yourself. Which of course, is the realest version there is.
So there comes a time, when the feels wear off and you're standing there with mascara running, a messy bun (not the cute kind), a ring on your finger, morning breath at noon, screaming about laundry on the floor and it hits you; you're home.
When you're standing there in the ugliest version of yourself and there's still another real- life human being in the room with you, asking why you feel that way or what they can do to help you improve the situation (the fact that this happens still amazes me)-- that's love! That's home.
I've found home. I had the crazy connection. I lost it. Now I'm in the nitty gritty of what it actually means to love and commit to some one and most the time it ain't pretty folks! But the type of love I feel is deeper than ever before. I'm not scared of this love, I'm confident about it. It's not flimsy or fragile, but bold and sturdy. Its annoying and loud, soft and tender, messy and comfortable. It's complete chaos that leaves me laughing defeated as I lay down to bed.
Me and my husband have moved from California to Texas and back and forth again, a few times. I used to be dead set on getting my California booty back to the Golden state and laying down my roots where I came from and now that we're back in California, I realize, I could care less where I live and that is because I've found home in my husband. My soul is good to go if that man is somewhere within a 60 mile radius at all times.
My 26th year of life stripped me to the core and tossed me to the ground a few times and every time I looked up, my husband was reaching out his hand to help me up and just waiting for the right moment to hit me with some words of encouragement. It was weird. Like, what is this guy still doing here?? I'm crazy! And it happened time and time again until my overly-independent brain got it; he's my partner, we're in this together, he's my home.
Marriage...a union...I get it...wow! It's remarkable when you actually allow yourself to depend on the person who committed their life to you. That's the kind of love they talk about, write about, act about, but they only ever show you "the feels." You gotta get through some crap until you get to feel that deep love stuff. Stick it out and be kind with one another, you'll find home.